FOR IMMEDIATE PRESS RELEASE
Apr. 1, 2018
Electronic Arts Inc. and Walternate Realities LLC are pleased to announce that Electronic Arts has fully acquired computer game developer Walternate Realities and its flagship title "Cosmoteer: Starship Architect & Commander". The price of the acquisition was enough quarters for three loads of laundry, a Cookies & Cream ice cream cone (2 scoops), and the complete original series of Battlestar Galactica on DVD.
Cosmoteer players can look forward to many exciting changes intended to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment:
Cosmoteer is no longer available for free and can now be purchased only on Origin for $59.99 USD.
Creative Mode is now only available as part of the "Creator's Pack" day-1 DLC for $9.99 USD.
Online multiplayer is now part of an "online pass" which can be activated either by typing in the code misprinted inside a boxed copy of Cosmoteer (which does not exist) or by purchasing an activation code for $19.99 USD.
The multiplayer server has been shut down.
All weapons except for the Small Laser Blaster will be unlockable by opening loot boxes. These loot boxes can either be earned through regular gameplay (an average of 12 years of non-stop play per loot box) or purchased for Earth Dollars from the EA Store, conveniently available at all times during gameplay as a giant on-screen button that definitely isn't distracting.
Online connectivity and an EA login is now required for all singleplayer features.
Cosmoteer is being rebranded as "Battlefield: Space" and is now a first-person shooter pay-to-win mobile game.
Electronic Arts is also announcing the following changes at its Walternate Realities studio:
Walternate Realities is being rebranded as "BioWare San Carlos". (San Carlos being the town in California where Walternate Realities is headquartered.)
In anticipation of the inevitable, EA has announced that BioWare San Carlos has been shut down, effective immediately.
Studio founder Walt Destler has been laid off. (Is anyone hiring game programmers?)
Cosmoteer has been canceled, sorry guys.
EA: IT'S IN THE GAME